“I have to go to the barn now,” I told my wife.
“To feed Pumpkin, Betty and Roxy?” »
“Especially to be in the barn. But to feed the cattle, yes, that too.
(Pumpkin and Betty are the barn cats. Roxy is Bob’s rabbit, who I’m trying not to kill while I take care of it this week. Bob and the rest of Seed’s family are on vacation in Florida .)
Honey understood why I needed to go to the barn, to be away from computer frustrations for a while. For the rest of my life, if I could handle it.
I bought a new computer from Honey on Amazon because it’s tax season and the previous Acer laptop I bought for her a few years ago got so slow it would be faster to chisel everyone’s tax returns onto stone tablets.
The beautiful new HP laptop has arrived. I plugged it in. We chose a password and PIN, and placed the Turbo Tax Home and Business CD in the CD drawer, a feature this laptop has, although hardly any new computer does today.
Everything is in the cloud now. You set things up in the cloud. You get them from the cloud and play with them, then you put them back in the cloud. The Cloud has a huge, gargantuan, God-like unlimited storage that you will never fill up, until you do, and then you have to buy space to put more stuff in the Cloud.
The Cloud is like the barn, except that when we fill it up, we have to empty the space again or there will be no room to put the new things that come in. New things are always coming.
TURBO TAX would not charge. The CD would spin then stop. I tried to download it from the internet. Cloud, I guess. That didn’t work either.
I called Turbo Tax and the friendly technician logged into our new computer.
“Oh! » he said. “You have Trojans in your router. Not your computer. Your router. And would you please plug in your computer as it is almost out of battery. »
“He’s hip” I said.
“Oh oh,” he said.
I called HP.
“My new HP laptop won’t charge,” I told the nice technician. “And Turbo Tax says I have trojans in my router.”
“What’s the serial number on the device? And the model name? And your mother-in-law’s middle name?”
I flipped the laptop over and took a magnifying glass to read the tiny fingerprint.
“XXy7uukkg6upyours Serial Number – Refurbished. Wait. Refurbished? Amazon’s ad said it was new.
She said she would send me a new power cord and there are no trojans in a router.
I CALLED my friend Jimbo, a computer scientist by trade. He lives nearby.
“I hate to bother you, bb-but…” He could tell I was close to tears and told me to come.
Jimbo had an HP power cord that was fine. The computer started to take a load. He fiddled with the CD driver and made it work. He charged Turbo Tax.
“Do you have an antivirus? » He asked.
“I purchased McAfee antivirus and Microsoft Office software, but they need to be activated. The email said the activation codes were in my digital locker, but did not tell me how to find my digital locker.
He didn’t know where my digital locker was and said there were no trojans in a router.
“GOOD NEWS!” I told Honey when I got home. “But bad news first: your laptop is refurbished, not new, and we might have trojans in our router. But the good news is that Jimbo ran the computer and loaded Turbo Tax!
“Why aren’t you jumping for joy?” »
“I’ll believe it when I print the first tax return,” she said soberly. Honey is like the stock market, always discounting the present and trading in the future.
She was much happier when she printed her first tax return.
“We should do something for Jimbo and Rebecca from Sunnybrook”, Honey said. “A gift card for a restaurant or something.”
Then she told me she saw a raccoon sitting on our front porch in broad daylight yesterday.
” It’s not normal. It may be sick. Honey said. “You should set the trap for him live. I wonder where they like to eat?
“Oh, I don’t know. On a newspaper, I suppose. Wherever they find food.
She was talking about Jimbo and his wife, of course. His train of thought can sometimes be difficult to follow, and mine is easily derailed.
God, I hope I can find my digital locker.